What to expect when you're expecting

There is a book entitled "what to expect when you're expecting." It details, fairly inclusively, what to expect as a pregnant mother, but not that helpful for the fathers. There are several books out there that describing the first year of your baby's life. I skimmed these books and paid attention in Med school. Let me tell you something. These books don't even come close to covering what Eli has put us through. Again, I have compiled a list of things that I never expected.

1. Poop. I have changed lots of diapers and deal with diarhea daily at work, while I'm not a fan of it, but it doesn't bother me to change a poopy. However, I had no clue how exposive it would be! There really is no way to prepare for changing bed sheets, and bathing kiddos, because the explosion reaches the back of their neck. And now your whole house smells too.

2. Loss of privacy. Everything is now a "team effort." Want to go to the store, you take a kid. Want to go for a run, you take a kid. Want to read a book, it better have pictures because Eli will want to read too. Want to make toast (see previous entry), better plan on having someone help. Want to go to the bathroom, better leave the door open or Eli will scream and think you are doing something fun without him.

3. Loud noises. I expected to hear crying, whining, yelling, shouting, screaching, grunting, pouting, begging, and nagging. What I did not expect is the decibel and octave accompyning the aforementioned sounds. These are mind numbing and migraine inducing (how is it possible to have a numb mind and a migraine at the same time? Come hang out here.)

4. Energy. I spent 2 hours tonight playing with Eli, tickeling, lifting, bouncing, chasing, being chased, being tickled, eating, feeding and being fed. I am beat, and all I did was wind him up. I wish I had that energy! Give me some of whatever he is on!

5. Guilt. As troubling as Eli can be, I feel bad when I don't spend more time with him. I have work to do, work to go to, church meetings, scripture study, workout... whatever I am doing I feel guilty for not spending more time playing (or having the energy to play) with Eli. Then, I feel guilt for not having worked harder at whatever it was I put aside.

6. Sticky. I don't think any book in the world will prepare you for how sticky your stuff can get. I recently opened the fridge, sticky. Opened the garage door, sticky. Computer keyboard and mouse, sticky. Arm chair, sticky. TOILET SEAT, sticky. Flashlight, sticky. DVD player, TV, Remote, Couch and coffee table, all sticky. WHERE is he getting this goup? And how did he get it on the inside of my jacket?

7. Leaves. Fall just came this week and the leaves are starting to fall. Eli Loves kicking them, playing with them, and of course bringing them in the house.

8. Robins and other birds feed their young by prechewing food. I am a parent so should be prechewing food, unfortunately, I am the recipient. What else are you supposed to do with the crackers, granola bars, or fruit snacks that get spit into your hand during church?