Dear Kids

OK, So by now you have probably read my first email. Understand this: Fear comes in waves. I worked last night and am currently working. I have been writing down number of cases in Italy, Iran, US and Texas, The numbers seem to double every 48 hours.

I wear an N95 all the time now. It keeps me from smelling my farts, but now I am smelling my breath. So, win some, lose some.

Today is a better day for my fear.

I have faith. I am a man of Faith. I believe this life is only a short part of what we call "eternity." I understand that there are things I can change, and things I can't change. And my fear is the "What If" i could have done more or should have done more.

Today actually at work has been ok, The Tidal wave of death has not hit us yet, but I am learning that a lot of the doctors are shutting their offices to not see people and get exposed. It feels like I am the only one doing anything.

But rather than go over my anxiety about the world and uncertainty, I want to give you each a few words of counsel. Counsel is different than advice. Advice can be given by anyone regardless of insight. Counsel comes from someone who either has authority, or has your interests in mind as much as their own.

Eli. You are a smart kid, no one has ever questioned that. You are a joy to be around, you have a fun personality. It awesome for me to see you trying to make jokes and discover humor, it is also a joy to me to see you taking on more responsibility. I really like the young man you are becoming. You are handsome, goofy, and curious. Your intellect and desire to learn will open more doors than I had. Your outgoing personality will keep you from all the insecurities I have. You are your mothers son. I see her strength in you. One of the great adventures in my life was your birth and the first few years as a dad. I hope I didn't screw you up too much. Forgive my yelling, I would blame that habit on my dad, but then you will blame your problems on me. I am trying to be better. I really am, I am so proud of the good kid you are. I hope that you can continue to be kind to all those around you including your sister. You are the oldest child, that gives you some right to govern, but you need to be as kind to your siblings as you are to your friends (even Tessa). I want you to be good, I want you to be good for something. I want you to be hardworking in whatever you do. If you can, you will succeed in everything you do

Dora. You were my peacemaker. Your mom and I thought we were terrible parents and people, we could not figure out why eli cried all the time. We thought we didn't know how to feed, to change diapers, to burp, to do anything. Even when Eli was asleep he cried. We thought we might not have anymore kids. Really. WE WERE DONE. But single children are spoiled, so we had you. Then we realized we were the PERFECT PARENTS. Everything we did was right, we perfectly fed, perfectly rocked. perfectly slept, we were now perfect parents. Except we were not. You were just the perfect kid. You have always been a joy and a delight, you have such a bright personality. You are so full of joy. Right now at age 11 you are kind of an EMO Jealous whiner, but its just a phase as you transition out of kid to young woman. I really love your laugh, I like to hear your excitement. The whole reason we moved from Vacanti to Grand River was so that we could get horses for you to ride. You need to understand that as your dad, I want you to have every opportunity for growth and development. But more important than that, i want you to have confidence and virtue and desire to brighten the world around you. Figure out how to continue to have be perfect Dora that you are. I am so proud of you. You are self directed, fun, you learn and grow, I love cooking new foods with you. I love feeding the horse with you. You are a joy to be around. Make sure you find someone that makes you even more amazing than you are, You should only ever feel more capable and loved. If you marry someone that treats you less than you are, leave them. divorce them. Eternity will not be built on lies, deception, or abuse. Recognize who is worthy of your interest, recognize virtue. Leave trash in the garbage.

Emmy. Emmy with the Big Blue Eyes. I need to tell you the funniest observation I can about before i move on. We had a race for someones birthday party. All the kids lined up, you were like 7 I think. Everyone lined up to run around the tree and come back, maybe only 100 feet total. Mark, Get Set, GO! Everyone sprints running for their life. There is Emmy, Skipping like a Fairy in her own world. Instead of running to the Tree and back, you skipped there and back like their was not a care in the world. There are Other religions in this world that believe that we get reincarnated over and over again, I would say that you are proof. You were a queen, not any queen but The Queen. Like maybe the Queen of Sheba, or Cleopatra, or one of the Great Queens in europe. You have a Royal Dignity and Sense of Presence. You must have greater insight into how Heavenly Father sees you because you have more love than anyone or anything I have ever seen. You are filled with Empathy and Compassion. (Sometimes more than I can tolerate). I don't know what you will be when you grow up. But i know it will be amazing. You and I butted heads when you were younger. I did not understand why you were SO EMOTIONAL. The littlest thing made you feel so sad. (I am not a good person, i lost my temper with you a lot) ONe night, I had a Dream that in the preexistence, you saw our family, and you chose to come to us. You asked to come to us, you told heavenly father that this was the place for you. Up till that point, I guess I figured it was like a mission call, God sends you someplace, but you were special, you asked to come to me. In my dream, it felt like you were a queen in heaven, and you asked to come to us. Its really hard for me to explain this, Emmy, you are special. Your mom is an author and could capture what I am trying to say. You are capable. Channel your Queen and rule the world with compassion, kindness. You are an amazingly beautiful person and I am so happy you chose my family and let me be your dad for this time on earth. I love you so much.

Tessa. Of all my kids you have it figured out. You KNOW everything. As I write this you are only 7 years old. You have figured out how people work, how to interact with others. You are absolutely brilliant. YOu have your mom's attitude of competence. Of all my kids, you are probably the one who has had success in every aspect of being a kid. you are coordinated, socially intelligent, academically gifted, good with animals, and good with people. It isn't fair for you to go through life with all these gifts. Where much is given, much is expected. You and I are very alike in many ways. And yet you are so much better than me at everything. My favorite thing to watch is to see you bounce across the floor and do a cart wheel as easy as skipping. When I am home and get up in the morning before the bus comes, I like that you are the first one awake, almost as if bragging you are up and asking permission to get up first. It makes me feel special when you come up and give me a hug first thing in the morning. Not as a delaying technique before bed time (and you do that too)  but first thing in the morning, you come give me a hug. You are such a joy, so funny. If I could get you to clean your room you would be the perfect kid. Ha. In your future you will have a lot of success. I don't know what you will do, but you have a good attitude, you don't mind working hard and practicing, and  you are so smart. And you have confidence. I don't know how i got to be so lucky to be your dad. Right now you are getting retainer/spacer/braces to fix your teeth. (It kinda makes me sad, as your teeth get straighter, you grow and i realize, i wont get to have you as my perfect little ball of Tessa.) I really hope you don't become an EmoWhiner at 11 like some other kids i know, you could really make life hard for me and your mom.

Sammy. Sammy P Pants. Sammy Pee Pants. By the time you are old enough, you wont even know what this means. If I am still around, you will because that's some funny stuff. Your middle initial is P. Your mom called you Samuel Paul, I called you Sammy P. Then as you got bigger, i thought Sammy Pee was funny. And so on. Your mom loves you more than anything you will ever know. We were done, We were happy with our 4 perfect kids. Your Mom felt something was missing. Pregnancy has always been hard on your mom, but she wanted a new little guy. You were not a surprise, you were our Bonus. The first complications we had with you were on a family vacation to Virginia. your mom was so sick she couldn't leave the hotel room for a day, i took everyone else to dig for fossils. Your mom started to itch. She called the doctor in Texas. Then had testing. We were in and out of the office for the rest of the pregnancy. We were not sure you were going to make it. Your mom doesnt know this but i was afraid i might lose her too. When you were born, you were a premie. You were purple. They couldn't get you to breath, they rushed you to the NICU. I knew something was up, They let me come back. I didn't even pick you up for the first day or two. Then one of the ICU nurses said "why don't you hold him?" I said "i didn't think i was allowed" All your siblings came to visit in the ICU. While you were in the hospital, i still had to work, I couldn't get anyone to cover my shift in the ER so after that, I found a new job and we moved back to Richmond. Sammy. You brighten our world. I am so glad we have you in our family. You crack me up. YOu have such a bright personality. everyday I am with you I laugh about something new. I made you a Yoda towel robe during this quarantine for Covid just because i thought it would be funny to see you up and walking around. I hope you can continue to be the funny little ball of energy, full of love and life. Everyone loves you, everyone you meet thinks you are amazing. I am constantly impressed that someone so funny and so cute could be my child. I pray you will always be as good to us as you are now. If I survive this Covid, I hope I can raise you to be a leader. If I dont survive COVID, Please be good to your mom and give her the squeezes. Your hugs melt her heart and fill her with happiness. I love you little man.

COVID10

Dear Kids,

No one really checks this blog anymore, and partly because I don't really write it anymore. It went from being a place where I would write funny thoughts, to a DadVenture and family trip blog, to well.... a vacant space on the internet.

But We are now in a Pandemic Epidemic, and it is kind of scary. We have a disease that you will remember for the rest of your life. People will die, I may be one of them. And yet, I have to go into the front lines of this. Technically, the EMS/Firemen/women, are the first responders, but the Nurses in the ER and the ER doctors are the ones exposed to who knows what. That has always been the case, and generally i have not cared about that because we have had treatments for everything else, But this is different. Normally, i could give breathing treatments and apply positive pressure, but with this, that only spreads it to other people. We don't know what to do yet on this... that is scary.

I want to use this blog as a way to let you know how I feel, as I am feeling it, if i get the time to feel anything. Also, i can go in and delete it if it isn't necessary.

So here are my thoughts.

Right now, the news is describing death, darkness, social unrest. Every aspect of this is being covered, it feels like they are describing every drop of rain in a hurricane. And yet where I am it is just a little bit of rain. I want to know if we will be flooded, or if our buildings will blow away.

When I watch the news, I just want to know what streets to avoid, or where not to vacation. And when I read/watch news,  what I am getting are people in Kansas saying its not raining and not that bad, and people in Florida without any news station saying "no one is here" because they were an epicenter. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but what it has done to me, is fill me with anxiety about going in to work.

When I was fresh out of residency, I would show up to the hospital 20 min early and pray for 10 min that i could have the inspiration and intellect to care for people. I would pray for strength. I even prayed that the people in Grants Pass would not be stupid or fall or injure themselves. In Sugar Land i prayed for strength. Eventually I realized that when I prayed for an easy shift, I would get killed with sick and dying people. I now only pray to handle what I get. But for two solid years I had anxiety before going in to work.

For the Past 10 years, I have been able to show up to work, knowing that I can handle emergencies. I can do and figure out what a persons problem is. If their life can be saved, I can do it or call the right person. For the most part, even dealing with lots and lots of very sick and complicated people, I have the skills.

But this COVID19 has me scared. Death rate in Italy is 10%, that is not sickness rate, that is DEATH RATE. Sure if they are old you can say, "well, they are old, they had a good run," or "they would have died from something else." But, they didn't have to die.. That's my point. There are also a LOT OF YOUNG PEOPLE that are having bad outcomes. If our system gets hit like theirs, we wont have the resources to deal with the healthy people.

So, now I am losing sleep, having night mares about the "what if" scenarios. What if I send someone home with return precautions and they get sick fast?
What if they cough all over me and they die?
What if i could have saved them by intubating them but i waited?
What if I intubate someone to save their life and they were gonna die anyway and I could have used that ventilator on someone who had a chance?
What if i bring this disease home to my family?
What if my family gives this to Their Grandparents?
What if I get sick?
Am I supposed to work if I am sick? Am I supposed to go home? or quarantine in my apartment here?
What if I get ARDS?
What if I don't die? but Survive with chronic lung disease? and become a burden to my family?

I realize that all of these scenarios are all in my head, but they can be real in the next few months, weeks, days, hours.....

I have been trying to make myself right with God, i have really tried to be more diligent in my scripture study. I was very good for 30 years, but Emergency Medicine Broke ME. and I let it slip. My prayers have become more diligent again as well.

Why am I writing all this down? A couple of reasons:

I hope that over the next few entries to this blog, you can get a look at my panicked mind. And hopefully when you're older you can understand why i was grumpy when i was.

I also hope i can give some advice. Not quite Dying advice, but the advice of someone who is unsure if they will survive this.

Here is my last thought for today. There is a big part of me that wants to get this battle going. I want to fight this COVID. I want to treat this like it is a bunch of Nazis. I want the chance to prove that I can handle this. That i can make a difference on a big scale. I am on the front lines and I did good, or..... died trying.

I am not sure if this makes sense, I am scared.