COVID10

Dear Kids,

No one really checks this blog anymore, and partly because I don't really write it anymore. It went from being a place where I would write funny thoughts, to a DadVenture and family trip blog, to well.... a vacant space on the internet.

But We are now in a Pandemic Epidemic, and it is kind of scary. We have a disease that you will remember for the rest of your life. People will die, I may be one of them. And yet, I have to go into the front lines of this. Technically, the EMS/Firemen/women, are the first responders, but the Nurses in the ER and the ER doctors are the ones exposed to who knows what. That has always been the case, and generally i have not cared about that because we have had treatments for everything else, But this is different. Normally, i could give breathing treatments and apply positive pressure, but with this, that only spreads it to other people. We don't know what to do yet on this... that is scary.

I want to use this blog as a way to let you know how I feel, as I am feeling it, if i get the time to feel anything. Also, i can go in and delete it if it isn't necessary.

So here are my thoughts.

Right now, the news is describing death, darkness, social unrest. Every aspect of this is being covered, it feels like they are describing every drop of rain in a hurricane. And yet where I am it is just a little bit of rain. I want to know if we will be flooded, or if our buildings will blow away.

When I watch the news, I just want to know what streets to avoid, or where not to vacation. And when I read/watch news,  what I am getting are people in Kansas saying its not raining and not that bad, and people in Florida without any news station saying "no one is here" because they were an epicenter. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but what it has done to me, is fill me with anxiety about going in to work.

When I was fresh out of residency, I would show up to the hospital 20 min early and pray for 10 min that i could have the inspiration and intellect to care for people. I would pray for strength. I even prayed that the people in Grants Pass would not be stupid or fall or injure themselves. In Sugar Land i prayed for strength. Eventually I realized that when I prayed for an easy shift, I would get killed with sick and dying people. I now only pray to handle what I get. But for two solid years I had anxiety before going in to work.

For the Past 10 years, I have been able to show up to work, knowing that I can handle emergencies. I can do and figure out what a persons problem is. If their life can be saved, I can do it or call the right person. For the most part, even dealing with lots and lots of very sick and complicated people, I have the skills.

But this COVID19 has me scared. Death rate in Italy is 10%, that is not sickness rate, that is DEATH RATE. Sure if they are old you can say, "well, they are old, they had a good run," or "they would have died from something else." But, they didn't have to die.. That's my point. There are also a LOT OF YOUNG PEOPLE that are having bad outcomes. If our system gets hit like theirs, we wont have the resources to deal with the healthy people.

So, now I am losing sleep, having night mares about the "what if" scenarios. What if I send someone home with return precautions and they get sick fast?
What if they cough all over me and they die?
What if i could have saved them by intubating them but i waited?
What if I intubate someone to save their life and they were gonna die anyway and I could have used that ventilator on someone who had a chance?
What if i bring this disease home to my family?
What if my family gives this to Their Grandparents?
What if I get sick?
Am I supposed to work if I am sick? Am I supposed to go home? or quarantine in my apartment here?
What if I get ARDS?
What if I don't die? but Survive with chronic lung disease? and become a burden to my family?

I realize that all of these scenarios are all in my head, but they can be real in the next few months, weeks, days, hours.....

I have been trying to make myself right with God, i have really tried to be more diligent in my scripture study. I was very good for 30 years, but Emergency Medicine Broke ME. and I let it slip. My prayers have become more diligent again as well.

Why am I writing all this down? A couple of reasons:

I hope that over the next few entries to this blog, you can get a look at my panicked mind. And hopefully when you're older you can understand why i was grumpy when i was.

I also hope i can give some advice. Not quite Dying advice, but the advice of someone who is unsure if they will survive this.

Here is my last thought for today. There is a big part of me that wants to get this battle going. I want to fight this COVID. I want to treat this like it is a bunch of Nazis. I want the chance to prove that I can handle this. That i can make a difference on a big scale. I am on the front lines and I did good, or..... died trying.

I am not sure if this makes sense, I am scared.